First things first:
Confidence is not bravado, or swagger, or an overt pretense of bravery.
Confidence is not some bold or brash air of self-belief directed at others. Confidence is quiet: It’s a natural expression of ability, expertise, and
self-regard.
I’m fortunate to know a number of truly confident people. The
majority are people I’ve met through my career and who work in a variety of
industries and professions. It comes as no surprise they all share a number of
qualities:
1. They take a stand not because they
think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong. Cocky and conceited
people tend to take a position and then proclaim, bluster, and totally
disregard differing opinions or points of view. They know they’re right – and they want (actually they need) you to know it too. Their behavior
isn’t a sign of confidence, though; it’s the hallmark of an intellectual bully.
Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong. They feel that finding out what is
right is a lot more important than being right. And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down
graciously. Truly confident people often admit they’re wrong or don’t have all
the answers; intellectual bullies never do.
2. They listen ten times more than
they speak. Bragging is a mask for insecurity. Truly confident
people are quiet and unassuming. They already know what they think; they want
to know what you think. So they ask
open-ended questions that give other people the freedom to be thoughtful and
introspective: They ask what you do, how you do it, what you like about it,
what you learned from it… and what they should do if they find themselves in a
similar situation. Truly confident
people realize they know a lot, but they wish they knew more… and they know the
only way to learn more is to listen more.
3. They duck the spotlight so it
shines on others. Perhaps it’s true
they did the bulk of the work. Perhaps they really did overcome the major
obstacles. Perhaps it’s true they turned a collection of disparate individuals
into an incredibly high performance team.
Truly confident people don’t care – at least they don’t show it. (Inside
they’re proud, as well they should be.) Truly confident people don’t need the
glory; they know what they’ve achieved. They
don’t need the validation of others, because true validation comes from within. So they stand back and
celebrate their accomplishments through others. They stand back and let others
shine – a confidence boost that helps those people become truly confident, as
well.
4. They freely ask for help. Many people feel asking for help is a
sign of weakness; implicit in the request is a lack of knowledge, skill, or
experience. Confident people are secure
enough to admit a weakness. So they often ask others for help, not only because
they are secure enough to admit they need help but also because they know that
when they seek help they pay the person they ask a huge compliment. Saying, “Can you help
me?” shows tremendous respect for that individual’s expertise and judgment.
Otherwise you wouldn't ask.
5. They think, “Why not me?” Many people feel
they have to wait: To be promoted, to be hired, to be selected, to be chosen...
like the old Hollywood cliché, to somehow be discovered. Truly confident people know that access is
almost universal. They can connect with almost anyone through social media.
(Everyone you know knows someone you should know.) They know they can attract
their own funding, create their own products, build their own relationships and
networks, choose their own path – they can choose to follow whatever course
they wish. And very quietly,
without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
6. They don't put down other people. Generally speaking,
the people who like to gossip, who like to speak badly of others, do so because
they hope by comparison to make themselves look better. The only comparison a
truly confident person makes is to the person she was yesterday – and to the
person she hopes to someday become.
7. They aren’t afraid to just be
silly…
When you’re truly confident, you don’t mind occasionally being
in a situation where you let your inhibitions go and just have fun. (And oddly
enough, people tend to respect you more when you do – not less.)
8. … And they own their mistakes. Insecurity tends to breed
artificiality; confidence breeds sincerity and honesty. That’s why truly confident people admit their mistakes. They dine out on
their screw-ups. They don’t mind serving as a cautionary tale. They don’t mind
being a source of laughter – for others and for themselves.
When you’re truly confident, you don’t mind occasionally
“looking bad.” You realize that that when you’re genuine and unpretentious,
people don’t laugh at you. They laugh with you.
9. They only seek approval from the
people who really matter. You say you have
10k Twitter followers? Swell. You say that you have 20k Facebook friends? Cool.
You say that you have a professional and social network of hundreds or even
thousands? That’s great. But that also pales in comparison to earning the trust and
respect of the few people in your life that truly matter. When we earn their
trust and respect, no matter where we go or what we try, we do it with true
confidence – because we know the people who truly matter the most are truly
behind us.
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Posted by:
Dharmesh Shah
I thought that this article said a lot about confidence and self reliance. The picture with the hand holding a tight rope reminds me of a lot of sales situations. All of us are used to working without a net. It is a little scary to think that sometimes it is an individual that is holding up one end of our tight rope.
Keep your eye on prize Mel
